Self talk is powerful, and it’s happening all the time. It’s so constant that it’s easy to overlook. The messaging you tell yourself about yourself can become hardwired it feels like “that’s just how things are.”
The reality is, however, that the brain is a wonderfully changeable organ. With consistent care, you actually can shift the messaging you’re running through it. In changing that messaging, you can make changes in your life.
As we think, we act, we become. We are always in a state of creating or maintaining who we are and what we do. So let’s get to the root of who we’re currently becoming and make sure we’re setting ourselves on a healthy, fulfilling trajectory.
Be Mindful of Your Mind
The first place to start your journey of improving or maintaining healthy self-talk is to pay attention to all the things you’re telling yourself throughout the day.
Note here, I used “healthy” instead of “positive” self talk. This process is about fortifying your mind and your life with more of what you will benefit from. This is different from spinning everything in a positive, cheerful, happy direction.
Certainly, “healthy” can be “positive,” but it’s deeper than that. Healthy self talk is more substantial. A hiccough with “positive” is that it can be somewhat of a band-aid; it can be a shiny covering over what’s really going on but not get to the substance of what's causing your issue. It’s important in these life-changing efforts to get at what’s stifling you from truly coming into your own.
So it’s more than turning a negative thought into a positive thought. It's about replacing harmful messaging with constructive messaging. It requires, that is, some consideration. Some thoughtful attention to what harmful thoughts are floating around and then to what healthier thoughts can go there instead.
The first place to start is to take notice of what those thoughts are and recognize that you can change them.
Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life
In some ways it is that simple: change your thoughts, change your life. But also, it's not.
The way it isn’t that simple is that there may be a good amount of distance between where your thoughts and actions are today and where you would like them to be. When this is the case, think about ways to break down the situation, to get to the root or source of your unhealthy thought patterns.
Consider the example of anxiety, a common issue that any anxiety-ridden person would like to change. Anxiety isn’t particularly fun for anyone. And most people with anxiety will tell you, “I am an anxious person,” or “I have anxiety issues,” or something similar.
What likely won’t do you much good is to only change your thoughts to “I am an easy going person” and expect the miraculous change to take place. Also a word of caution when you are looking to reframe your thoughts: steer clear of negative statements like “I am not an anxious person.” The brain is very suggestable and tends to overlook the “not” and focus on the “anxious person.” So, putting a statement in the negative only serves to reinforce what you don’t want.
Let's return to the statement “I am an easy going person,” as a strategy to overcome anxiety. This is helpful; it can be a way to kickstart your journey down a more easy going path.
But to really shift your anxiety, focus on being more specific. Because something like anxiety–or other general issues like poor anger management or chronic impatience or addiction–is about more than its final expression.
Anxiety is typically rooted in beliefs and habits that you’ve been building on for some time. Take the time to sleuth around and see where anxiety crops up, how it impacts you physically, and what might be setting it off.
You’re sure to find a lot of thoughts that contribute to these ultimate feelings of anxiety. Take the time to identify those and shift them toward ways you’d like to feel about the situation. It's also helpful to take note of your physical reaction when these thoughts arise and address those, too. If you clench your jaw, try out some self talk like, My jaw is free and loose.
Like the example above, be sure to tell yourself what you want (again, instead of phrasing it in the negative), and say these thoughts as if this is already how you feel and act. For instance, let’s say you feel anxiety about meeting new people. Instead of telling yourself something like “I will learn to enjoy meeting new people,” which focuses on a future version of yourself, try something like “I enjoy meeting new people because it gives me the chance to learn something new.” This second thought is in the present; it’s about who you are today. Maybe this isn’t 100% true at this very moment, but this is a useful strategy for making the change you want to become.
With some consistent attention and practice, you may be surprised by how much change you can create. It may take a few weeks or even a few months, but over time, you’ll begin to notice shifts in how you think or move through the world.
Sometimes powerful change comes in simply noticing an unhelpful thought habit that you’ve been carrying around and reminding yourself that you actually don’t need to think or believe this unhelpful thing. Simply shining a light on your thought patterns is a big first step in changing them.
Progress Can Be Bumpy
Just as with any process of change, this process of changing your thought patterns will not be linear. You may think you’ve totally done away with that anxiety around meeting people and then one day, you realize, it’s back!
There is no need to panic. Just remind yourself that that is actually not a habit you have anymore and focus on reinstating your new and improved self-talk. This is a time to notice that that is a habit you used to have, but then remind yourself that you now have a new habit.
Old habits can be hard to break. When we’re tired or run down or not quite on our game, they can creep back in. This doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that your efforts are working. It only means that you need to make a bit of an effort to get things back on track.
One nice thing is that because you’ve already set this new habit in motion, it’ll be that much easier to return to it. It takes much less effort to return to a new good habit than it did to create it from scratch.
You Have the Power
You and only you can change the way you talk to yourself. And that self-talk, those thoughts about yourself that you create, they have a huge impact on what you do and the version of yourself that you are always in the process of becoming.
That’s a big responsibility, but also so full of opportunity. We can each day continue to play the same habitual thought patterns in our head, many of which run on autopilot, or we can change them. For thoughts that aren't helping you, today's the day you can start to change them.
Regardless of your age, state of wellness, or circumstances, one thing you will always have power over is what you think and the messages that you tell yourself. Learning to harness this power and shift it in ways that create a more healthy you is well worth your effort.
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